There has been so much weighing heavily on my mind lately and tonight, I need to put it out there. I’ve journaled about it and i’ve been patiently waiting for my therapy appointment to talk about it because I know these thoughts are not okay or rational. None the less, I can’t get these thoughts out of my mind. So here we are….
Have you ever heard that quote “when you feel like you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on.” Well… Ive held the rope till my hands bled and now I am on my knees wondering when things will get easier.
I want recovery. I need recovery.Sometimes I close my eyes and just imagine what things would be like without my eating disorder. To be happy and care free. To say I did it! I’m okay!
Truth be told, I have been struggling more then usual. I mean it when I say I want and need recovery, but sometimes the voices are alittle louder.
I absolutely hate admitting that I’m struggling, but I have to be honest….. No I need to be honest with everyone who reads this…. I am struggling and that’s OKAY!
Rememeber recovery is not linear. What’s important is that you want recovery. Struggling is okay if you genuinely want to recover.
Lately I’ve been catching myself thinking about where I was in the darkest times of my eating disorder. What I was thinking about. What my priorities were. What I looked like and how low my weight was.
Before I go any further I want you to stop reading if your easily triggered
I was looking through old pictures . Pictures from my early recovery and the worst of my relapse. WHY?! My therapist and I talked about this a long time ago, and her and I collectively decided it probably wasn’t the best decisions but after months, I couldn’t help myself.
One of the fondest memories of my initial recovery was when my friend had her pirate party. I Rememeber socializing with my work crew and friends and family. It was just just a relaxing and good night! I ate and I drank. I walked around in a bathing suit and hung out in the pool. I felt happy and free. I miss that.
Unfortunately, all good things have to come to an end eventually. Fast forward acouple of years to when I could have lost my life if I didn’t get the help. When I relapsed I relapsed bad, and probably wouldn’t be here today.
The day I will also never forget (and yes, this is included in the forbidden picture I have been looking at) is the day I had my medical clearence for treatment. I Rememeber crawling to my doctors so tired and so sick. All I needed was bloodwork ordered and papers signed. I was there for 3 hours with not a lick of food in my system.
People were looking at me in the waiting room. I’ve never really care what others think of me AND I STILL DONT, but I do sometimes wonder what they were thinking about when they looked.
I look at my picture from that day and I see how tiny I was. How sick I was. How pale I looked, but you know what? I miss that too.
Is it even possible to miss the best of your recovery and the worst of your relapse all at the same time? It is possible because that’s how I feel but that’s not okay. I can’t completely move on until I make sense of this. Why I feel this way where I go from here.
It’s a double edged sword. I have been conflicted for weeks and it’s gotta stop but I feel if it comes down to choosing, I’m not sure I would choose the right path.
I’ve been questioning my own strength a lot lately. The battle in my head has become more and more exhausting. I can’t surrender but what do I do?
I miss everything. I miss it all