Once upon a time I never allowed myself to just Be. I never allowed myself to rest. To sit down. Watch tv. Read. Nothing! I constantly had to be productive and constantly had to be on the go.
Doing laundry. Rearranging my closet. Going to the gym. Prepping and making food I never allowed myself to eat. Working extra shifts.
A lot of my eating disorder was driven by pure mania. My mind literally would not let my body rest and if for some reason I crashed I would beat myself up for days.
I was disgusting. Lazy. Usless. Or so I thought. In reality, I was completly and totally utterly exhausted but I would never in a million years ever admit it out loud.
People use to tell me all the time they didn’t know how I had so much energy. Or they wished they had the energy I had. THOSE were the comments I fed off of. A jack of all trades.. Or so THEY thought.
Even eating. I would never sit down to eat. I would eat while doing the dishes. I would eat while emptying the dishwasher. Even folding clothes. Sometimes I would eat, walk away, put the laundry basket in my room then go back to the table to eat some more. Absolutely NO SITTING ALLOWED. I had things to do.
Naps were unheard of. Going for a walk after spending my day at the gym was a far better use of my time then taking a nap. Lazy people take naps… Or so I thought.
5pm spin class was fun. I was being “social.” No laziness happening here! I was out of the house.
Coming home to shower and to meal prep. Again, meal prepping all that food I never allowed myself to eat.
In my “free time” I would walk through the supermarket. This is where I felt most at peace for some reason. I wouldn’t even make a single purchase but I walked every single isle. It beat sitting at home doing nothing…Or so I thought.
OKAY, so it’s hard for me to admit as I still struggle with this from time to time but everything I ever thought during that period of my life was completely wrong.
I work three 12 hour shifts sometimes more in a very busy emergency room. I spend all day in appointments on Wednesday with my treatment team an hour away from home. I meal prep FOR REAL to make sure I have convenient things to eat and sometimes, I get tired. Its okay… No, actually it’s completely necessary to slow down an give your body a rest. I give 100% at work and 100% at recovery and to avoid crashing and burning, I have to give myself a day where I just lay on the couch and watch mindless tv for hours on end. Sometimes falling asleep and sometimes not but when my brain can’t handle anymore thinking and my body can’t handle anymore moving.. It’s time to stop!
Of course I still have my days where I feel like a lazy sack of potatos. Sedentary most or all of the day stresses me out sometimes but sometimes I love just lounging around. Lazy days do NOT make you a lazy person! Taking a break isn’t lazy …. It’s self care