Dragging myself out of bed at the crack of dawn, I put my suitcase in the trunk and got into the back seat of my parents car. Luckily philedelphia is only an hour and a half away and I’ve driven there plenty, but for some reason the drive drug on for what felt like hours. That 1.5 hour car ride took forever. My shaky knees and racing heart were on our way.
In the weeks leading up to this day I tried to imagine what it would be like. I always pictured it kind of prison like,but as we were driving, I stopped wondering. I stopped imagining. Every thought that has crossed my mind up to this point was going to become my reality very soon.
May 18,2015 was the scariest day of my life. Most definately the scariest thing I have ever done…. Until the day I was leaving.
Of course I didn’t realize this until i was given my discharged date a month later. Realizing immediately, leaving residential was Definitely going to be harder then going in the first place…..Until I started day program.
It became evident that each stage of my recovery was going to be harder then the last. Stepping down to IOP in July AT THE TIME was so much harder then starting day program, and going back to work in August was incredibly difficult too. New challenges arose every couple of weeks and I had a really hard time adjusting. I had no choice but to adapt and roll with the punches, but I will tell you one thing…... No amount of treatment can prepare you for discharging completely.
Sept. 24-30, 2015
But I had to discharge sometime right? After 4 months my team for some unknown reason believed I was ready. 4 whole month of fighting something I have struggled with for so long under the constant supervision of an entire treatment team. It didnt seem long enough… but would it ever? I could have been there a year and I would probably still be sitting here saying the same thing. Now what!? Was I ready to do this?
I’m sure everybody with an eating disorder or any kind of mental disorder for that matter can agree with me when I say… Transitions of any kind are tough. I mean, I am THAT girl who has always freaked out when I walked into my house to find the living room rearranged. I know that probably sounds crazy but I have never been good at handling change of any kind, but this one was HUGE. Probably the hardest change to date! I had to get acclimated to a whole new outpatient team FAST as I was already struggling to keep it together.
Frustrating to say the least…
I felt defeated. Like I failed not only myself, but my treatment team who believed I was ready to do this on my own. I started to believe that I absolutely would never be successful…. I would never recover…I would never EVER make it but guess what?!
Im still here ! I survived and I continue to survive every day.
Wow! May 18th is finally here. A whole year of both defeat AND triumphs. A year of laughs and a year of tears. A year of friendships and a year of goodbyes. A year of health!
Bad days are inevitable. They happen and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it . Lord knows I have had my share of shitty days. Shitty weeks for that matter but I still survived.
I often wonder where I would be if I hadn’t gone to treatment when I did. Would I still be here ? Probably not. I am 100% convinced I wouldn’t be. The painful truth that I live with and think about every single day. May 18,2015 is without a doubt the day that saved my life.
I have been incredibly stressed and alittle sad in the weeks/days leading up to today. Stressed because I had big expectation for life after treatment and though I’ve manage to keep myself alive (an accomplishment in itself) , I expected to have my life together. A lesson I had to quickly learn was recovery just doesn’t work that way.
I have been dwelling recently on where I was this time last year in terms of my eating disorder and body. Illogically and irrationally grieving that part of myself, questioning every decision I have made in the past year.
I honestly thought I was going to be a wreck today but surprising I woke up with a sense of accomplishment. I’M ALIVE! and so incredibly thankful….