I’m almost embarrassed to admit it. Why would anyone….you know…long for something that made you feel so bad about yourself. I’ve only ever said these words to a very select few. My therapist. Out of fear. Fear of judgment. Not necessarily judgment from others. I judge myself for feeling this way. I shouldn’t still feel this way. I should be continuing to move forward. I should NOT be…well….
Sometimes I just really miss my eating disorder. There I said it. Sometimes I miss it so much I can hardly breathe.
I know I’m not the only one in the world who feels this way. I’ve spent the majority of the afternoon researching. Reading blogs. Trying to make sense of the craziness inside my head. Many call this Anorexia Nostalgia….
By definition, is a sentimental yearning for the happiness felt in a former place, time, or situation.
Happiness felt in a former place. Hmmm… I feel like a walking contradiction sometimes. “yay recovery is so amazing!!” Sometimes. Sometimes it just sucks.
After the honeymoon phase was over in residential I found myself sitting on my therapist couch clenching the pillows. Crying. Unable to speak. Holding back because I didn’t want to say the words. I didn’t want to admit how I felt because I was mad at myself for having those thoughts and feelings. FINALLY I blurted out “I just really miss my eating disorder and I don’t know why.” A giant weight was lifted in that moment.
The next time I felt myself feeling this way was 2 days after my discharge from inpatient. Driving to my day program crying and crying and feeling as though I just lost my best friend. Recovery from an Eating Disorder is ALOT like losing a friendship if you think about it.
I’ve really been struggling with these feelings lately. I’m lucky to have the treatment team I do but it’s so hard to be honest about this . I know in my gut that if I don’t stop judging my feelings I will never be able to work thru them . I know this . Treatment has taught me that. It will be a year in May since I began my recovery journey so it’s alittle hard to wrap my head around the fact that I still catch myself feeling this way from time to time . ESPECIALLY this late in the game.
I still have these pre treatment photos on my phone . I don’t look at them often but when I do I catch myself staring and yearning for the body I once had. None of that is okay . I am aware of how destructive that is and what it can cause . At times , I am my biggest trigger .
I will get past this . 2 steps forward 1 step back . That is recovery in a nutshell . I have to remember that it’s still progress even if the process isn’t as fast as I would like it to be . I have every intention on being 100% honest and authentic with my treatment team . It’s time to figure out what exactly I miss and why I miss it…and I will