I understood myself only after I destroyed myself

Have you ever just asked yourself “WHY.” That seems to be the million dollars question weighing heavily on my mind for years.

• WHY did I have to develop an Eating Disorder
• WHY do I have to be so miserable all the time
• WHY can’t I deal with anything like a normal person
• WHY is this so hard!!!!

I have struggled with SOMETHING for more then half my life, and it’s pathetic how much time I wasted wallowing in self pity . Sitting around feeling sorry for myself as if I was going to magically wake up one day happy and/or recovered. It wasn’t until this year  and after a lot of treatment and therapy would I realize that everything I thought about my life and my “recovery” was completely inaccurate.

This year was a year full of lessons to say the least . I entered therapy for my eating disorder over 5 years ago and I would have sworn on my life that is was all about the food . I denied my depression and anxiety for so long I even believed it didn’t exist. I wish I would have known that denying it would only fuel the fire. And that the stronger it grew the harder it would be to save myself .

I wish I would have known that everything I brushed under the rug as a child and young adult …every breakup, every argument, every bad day at work…everything I thought was no big deal was in fact,  a much bigger deal then I ever realized. I wish I would have known that every single thing I refused to process growing up would have  direct impact on my self worth. I wish I would have known that I wasn’t “safe” I wasn’t “strong for taking care of myself.” I was numb and self destructing and I was punishing myself for everything that I wasn’t …

By May of 2015 my weight was dangerously low . I was using every symptom in the book and I had no real recollection of how I got there . I dug a hole so deep I never in a million years thought I would be able to crawl out of . I was tired and my body was failing. Once I accepted that I was sick mentally ,FINALLY I was able to begin to heal physically.

The real journey began the day I entered residential treatment and I learn more and more about myself every day . I still have my bad days (more then I care to admit) but on some level I do know that I am not the things that I have been through and I am not my eating disorder.  I found strength I didn’t even know existed and I found my voice. I’m a continuous work in progress. Forever learning and forever recovering …